Category Archives: Personal Reflection

Praying Before the San Damiano Cross

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Most High, Glorious God,

Enlighten the darkness of my heart,

And give me true faith, certain hope,

And perfect charity, sense, and knowledge,

Lord, that I may carry out

Your holy and true command.

(Prayer before the San Damiano Cross – Saint Francis of Assisi)

Francis and San Damiano CrossOnce a month, I go into Boston, MA, for a meeting with my spiritual director; who is a Franciscan friar at St. Anthony Shrine on Arch St.  I was crossing that street, on my way for my July session, when I ran into two of my former co-workers.  We exchanged pleasantries; I learned that the company was still having a rough time of it.  We said our goodbyes, and I entered the Shrine.  Now this all took place on July 7th, I was entering the seventh month of unemployment.  I have been sending electronic job applications, three to six of them on a weekly basis.  To date, I have had two telephone interviews, each lasting, on average, about fifteen minutes.  I have been to several job fairs, left resumes with prospective employers; never heard anything back.  Life is getting a little “interesting.”

Usually, when I enter the first floor chapel of the Shrine, I go to the left side, where the tabernacle with the Blessed Sacrament.  That day I went to the right side of the chapel, where in the sanctuary is a statue of St. Francis of Assisi, praying before a large representation of the San Damiano cross.  The original cross was in the Assisian chapel of San Damiano, where a young Francis went to pray.  The origins of the cross are shrouded in mystery, but it is made in the Byzantine icon style.  Praying before the cross, Francis heard the voice of Jesus speaking from the cross: “Francis, rebuild my church!”  The rest, as they say, is history!

I seated myself before the large replica of the San Damiano cross, and began to pray, saying over and over the Jesus Prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”  I was focused on the face of the Crucified Jesus.  I was drawn to the eyes, which are unique.  I cannot describe the experience, only to say that at that moment, I was in a different space.  The anxieties, the concerns, the worries, suddenly disappeared from my consciousness, if only for a moment in time.  A light dispelled the darkness that was in my heart.

Many of us, perhaps most of us, when times get tough, will pray to God for some kind of miracle that will solve all of our problems.  Usually we are hoping the Lord will influence the interviewer, or we will win the Lottery!  And miracles can happen, will happen, and does happen!  But what we can really hope; what we need to be aware of is that we are never alone.  We may be carrying a burden, but we do not carry it alone.  Jesus calls us to take up our crosses daily, and follow him.  The One who carried his cross to Calvary, knows our suffering, knows what pains, and fears weigh us down.  He is walking with us, encouraging us onward.  His Spirit is within us, filling us with peace, with hope.  We need only to keep our hearts; our souls open to that light.  And hear Jesus assure us, that over that dark hill of Calvary, a new dawn does await us!

State of My Year!

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“Answer when I call, my saving God.2015 calendar

In my troubles, you cleared a way;

Show me favor, hear my prayer.

Know that the Lord works wonders for the faithful;

the Lord hears when I call out.

Tremble and do not sin;

upon your beds ponder in silence.

Offer fitting sacrifice

And trust in the Lord.

Many say, ‘May we see better times!

Lord, show us the light of your face!’

But you have given my heart more joy

than they have when grain and wine abound.

In peace I shall both lie down and sleep

For you alone, Lord, make me secure.”

(Psalm 4: 2, 4-9)

WordPress.com has a blog that offers a “Daily Prompt,” to help bloggers come up with ideas for a post.  The one for May 19th, 2015, was “State of Your Year.”  I am responding to it today.

What is the “State of My Year?”  One could say it has been a mixed year so far, full of ups and downs.  In January, I was laid off from my job.  And I have found that the world of job searching, has changed a lot since I was last laid off from a position, over twenty years ago.  Before, it was printing up a stack of resumes, getting a pile of envelopes, rolls of stamps, and mailing those resumes to potential employers, with a well crafted cover letter.  Now, everything is online, job boards, recruiting agencies, even the company’s human resource department, it is all online.  You are either uploading your resume to an application website, or e-mailing it as an attachment.  There is rarely a telephone number, let alone the name of a person you can call to follow-up with.  I applied online dozens of times over the past four and a half months.  No takers yet; a least a few companies sent response e-mails.  Now my previous employer provided me with a very generous severance package, but that will soon be coming to an end.  Things may be getting a little tight soon.  Am I worried?  Yes, I am.  Am I in despair?  No, I am not!

The reason why is reflected in the above Pslam, I trust in the love of my God, and His care for me, and my loved ones.  It does not mean that I expect some miracle (though that would be very nice.)  But I know that in my experience of the Father’s presence in my life, I am not alone.  I know that whatever the burden I may be carrying, Jesus is helping me the load.  That no matter how dark or stormy it may get, the Holy Spirit is within me, bringing light, bringing hope, and bringing peace.  And I know that through others, God is helping through this difficult time.

One of the highlights of this year came at the Easter Vigil, where I assisted as one of the Deacons.  The church was almost pitch black, when the Pastor lit the fire, and lighted the Easter Candle.  As my fellow Deacon and I process down the main aisle, the flame was shared with the congregation, each person lighting their candle.  The church had hundreds points of light, which dispelled the darkness.  I was given the role of chanting a great Easter hymn, “The Exsultet!”  I had practiced singing this hymn, with varying degrees of success.  But now, in that pulpit, as looked out into the church, I began to chant: “Exult, let them exult, the host of heaven…Be glad, let earth be glad as glory floods her, ablaze with light from her eternal King,…knowing an end to gloom and darkness.”

The Easter story, the Easter season speaks of hope, speaks of the love of God, which dispels all anxiety, all fear, and all darkness.  Soon Christians will celebrate Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit came in tongues of flame, into the hearts of the disciples in Jerusalem, and into our hearts today.

I do not know what the rest of this year will bring, but I know we will get through it okay.

State of Your Year

Walking the Way of the Cross

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Way of the Cross

This past Friday, I was given the opportunity to lead people in the Stations of the Cross.  The devotion was held at St. Mary Star of the Sea Church, in downtown Beverly, MA.  The church is old, big, the interior cavernous.  Even with the lights on, it seemed dark inside.  The old furnace has a hard time heating the church, so there was a bit of a chill in the air.  We had about 30 individuals attending the service.  I came out into the sanctuary, dressed in my alb and purple deacon stole.  And for the first time, a wireless microphone; the interior of St. Mary’s soaks up sound, even my loud voice.  I invited those in the pews to join me in walking the Way the Cross; after a short prayer, we began.

This devotion has a long history.  Most scholars credit the Franciscan Friars with establishing the Way of the Cross in its present form.  The Franciscans had already been given responsibility for the Holy Places in the Holy Land, by the Pope.  In Jerusalem, the friars would lead pilgrims through the streets, along the route Jesus would have walked to Calvary.  During the 15th and 16th centuries, Franciscans in other countries began to set up outdoor shrines, imitating the places (or stations) where Jesus would have stopped on His way to His crucifixion.  Later, they requested, and received papal permission to set up Stations of the Cross in their churches.  It was not long afterward, that Rome extended that permission to bishops who wished to also set up Stations in their own churches.

The Way of the Cross is a devotion that helps us Christians to remember that Jesus, though the Son of God, was also human; that for Him, the Way of the Cross was a journey into suffering and death.  Realizing this, as I walked and prayed each of the Stations, I found myself entering into a different spiritual space, a solemn space, a sorrowful space.  Sorrowful, because I was sensing the pain and suffering that Jesus went through for us.  For us, He was willing to empty Himself totally, give all that He had on the Cross, so that we would be freed from the power of sin and death.  How often do we forget that?  The Way of the Cross helps us to remember.

The devotion also reminds us that if we decide to follow Christ, we follow Him everywhere, even to Calvary.  If we follow Him, it means that we are willing to empty ourselves in service to Him, and our brothers and sisters in Christ.  First to empty ourselves of our selfishness, our pride, our self-centeredness, anything that gets in our way of loving God and others.  Then we empty ourselves of our talents, our skills for the sake of Christ, and the world.  It is not easy; it can be very hard and painful.  Still, Jesus Christ calls us to follow; but if we answer that call, we can be assured that we will not be alone on this journey.  Christ assures us that though the journey may be full of suffering, Easter dawn awaits.

After the Station where Jesus in laid in the tomb, I walked to a large bas relief in the church.  It portrays the Resurrection, and standing before it, I read a passage from the Gospel of Luke (24: 1-8), where the women find the empty tomb.  And two men appear before them and announce:  “He is not here; he has arisen!”  On that note of hope, I stood before altar, and blessed those who are in the church, turned and bowed before the Eucharistic Presence in the tabernacle, and left the sanctuary.

The Shock of a Layoff

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layoff notice

On the day of my distress I seek the Lord
By night my hands are raised unceasingly,
I refuse to be consoled.
When I think of God, I groan;
As I ponder, my spirit grows faint.
My eyes cannot close in sleep;
I am troubled and cannot speak.
I consider the days of old;
The years long past, I remember.
In the night I meditate in my heart;
I ponder and my spirit broods.
(Psalm 77: 3-6)

On the afternoon of January 7, 2015, I was led into a small conference room, outside of my work floor, and was told that I was being laid off. My boss and our company Human Resource person were there, and neither was happy about the situation. I was not too thrilled either, and it took me some time to get my composure back. The HR person went over the details of my severance package; and how to file for unemployment benefits. I shook hands with the boss, and said “It has been a pleasure (and meant it)!” I was given my coat, and my carry bag; and shown to the elevator. Nineteen years with the company ended in under an hour.

Fortunately, my former place of business was near St. Anthony Shrine, Boston, and I was able to talk with my spiritual director for a bit. It helped me for a while, but I am still facing an uncertain future. I am over sixty, and was pulling in two figure annual salary, which does not make a prime candidate for a position in many companies. There are days (and nights) I can relate to the person who composed Psalm 77. When life throws you a curve, it can take a while to recover. It is one thing to say I trust in God, it is another thing to actually do it.

What helps is to maintain one’s rhythm of prayer, even when you do not feel like it. I strive to pray the Liturgy of the Hours every day, to open my heart to God’s Presence; through the psalms, the readings, and the moments of meditative silence. As a Deacon, I have assisted at several weekend Masses, immersing myself in the beauty and power of the Eucharistic Liturgy. I open myself to the Presence of my Savior, in Word and Sacrament, rejoicing in the experience of my Lord Jesus Christ.

I still do not know what the future will hold, but like the prophet Habakkuk, I will “exult in my saving God.”

“For though the fig tree blossom, nor fruit be on the vines. Though the yield of the olive fail and the terraces produce no nourishment. Though the flocks disappear from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls. Yet will I rejoice in the Lord, and exult in my saving God. God, my Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet swift as those of hinds and enables me to go upon the heights.” (Habakkuk 3: 17-19)